‘Rise from your Grave’

…so hi.  Yeah, it’s been a little while.  And for the one person who might be excited in getting this for new writing, it’s not going to be.  Sorry.

At the moment, I just need a dark corner to unload some thoughts that have been plaguing me the last couple months.  Or so.  And since I don’t keep a journal or anything like that, seemed like the logical place to drop it here.  Not to mention I type faster than I write.

Yup.  So… This is your warning.  You don’t wanna read it?  That’s fine.  I’ll just put this handy little…

Alright.  Still reading?  Gotta say, you’re brave.  Or you’re just a fan of drama.  Whichever.  Anyway…  I want to write actual fiction again.  I really do.  And I’ve actually sat down a couple times and attempted to.  But, each time I do, these nagging little thoughts come back and get in the way.  Some have said to channel them.  Use the emotions, it’ll make the writing better.  But I find I can’t do so, they just distract, or detract, from what I’m doing.  Therefore, my hope is that in putting them here, I can clear them from my head and actually get back to work.  Would really like that.

This is probably going to seem very stream-of-conscious — mostly because it will be.  I’m just gonna let them flow.  And I must admit, this feels a little LiveJournal-esque – but whatever.

So, let’s see… where to start.

I guess we’ll start with the most recent.  As some may know, I’ve been working out and losing weight since… well, really since July.  A bit of background.  I used to live in Athens, even after I graduated from UGA.  While I was out there, I wasn’t exactly intelligent with what I was eating, and I weighed nearly 300 lbs as a result.  So, I decided one day that enough was enough, and I started trying to change things.  Well, I didn’t have much success in this endeavor.  If anything – I only halted the slow climb, but there really wasn’t any improvement.  Then, my life sort of fell apart, and I landed back at home.  That’s where I am currently.  I was out of work for two years… Almost three.  Then I got a job last February, and things seemed to be picking up.  Well, while life was slowly improving, my weight wasn’t.  I done a little, changing what I ate – and how much of it, and I was slowly coming down.  But, it definitely wasn’t anything to write home… well.  To write about, anyway.

Then came July, and I had ‘awoken’ from … well, some might call it a depression, and they may have been right.  In any case, without going into too much detail, I was finally taking interest in women again – I’d been burned pretty hard previously, and had little interest for a loooong time.  So, I finally had a target.  But let’s face it.  I didn’t exactly find myself attractive at 270 lbs, so why would anyone else?  I decided that with this person in mind, I was going to do something about it.  Fast forward to December, and I’d hit 208 lbs.  A victory, something to truly be proud of.  Never mind the fact that I’d been rejected 3 months before.  Which, is why we come to the now.  I was told that a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work, which is fine.  But, I’ve had doubts creeping up at the moment.  This person is one of my better friends, and I took an incredible risk on that friendship in doing what I did.  It’s pretty easy to screw it up when you try to make that transition.  Successful or not.

Anyway.  I was told that a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work.  So what happens two months after?  I find out she’s dating someone.  Who lives in North Carolina.  She lives out on the west coast.  This bothered me at first, and then I was okay with it, and then I kept thinking about it – which is probably my problem.  Why would you tell me that a long distance relationship won’t work for you, that you hate them, and then engage in one with someone else?  If you had no interest, and that was as simple as it went – then tell me.  I may not always act like it, but I am an adult.  A fairly mature one, I like to think, a majority of the time.  So don’t tell me that we’d be able to try it if we lived in the same town, but that a long-distance relationship won’t work — and then find someone else to try it with.  Just be honest.  That’s all I really ask of any of my friends.

That brings me back around to the weight loss thing.  Even after the rejection, I kept pushing.  I’d set a goal, and damn it, I was going to make it.  But.  I’ve reached that first milestone.  I hit the mark I wanted to. In December.  I’ve since lost a lot of the drive, and I’m struggling to find the motivation to continue.  My Dad, my brother, and I all joined a gym in January – which is another point, but we’ll come to that later – and I force myself to go the six days a week I’d planned on.  Three strength days, and three cardio days.  But I must admit, I’m struggling to find a reason to continue.  Some have said that what I’ve done has been truly inspirational for them.  Is that why I should continue?  Because it’s a beacon for people?  The same friend mentioned above said I should continue to do it for myself.  But why?  Obviously going further will be of greater benefit to me.  But, how much more than what I’ve already accomplished for myself?  This is something that I’m struggling with.  I’ll figure it out, of that I’m certain.  I just wish the answer, or the idea, or even the person necessary would present themselves sooner rather than later.

And now, more on the gym situation.  Because that’s another point that’s been bothering me.  So, as I’d stated earlier, my Dad, my brother and I joined a gym back in January.  I’m not a huge fan of gyms. Or perhaps specifically, the people in gyms.  They’re for the most part annoying, and just get in my way.  When I originally started this weight-loss thing, I was doing everything at home.  Using a treadmill my parents owned and the couple of hand weights we had.  But, my Dad was getting screwed by the gym he was a part of, and wanted to move on to a new one, and he wanted to get my brother working out – so… I joined them.  Well, I work into the evenings, and they like to go on lunch – so this has started to become a point of contention with us.  When I get home, I try to wrap things up as quickly as I can.  I’m usually not home more than 5-10 minutes before we head back out again for the gym.  Well, they’ve started giving me a hard time about this.  Which upsets me.  I understand you don’t like going so late, but I don’t have a choice.  So, don’t make me feel like I’m inconveniencing you because I take 10 minutes, and might have to use the bathroom before we leave.

And on the same deal?  Stick to the schedule that you set.  I didn’t tell us when we were going to go the gym.  You did.  And if you’re going to change it?  All I ask is you let me know.  Not 10 minutes before I’m home, don’t already be at the gym when I get home from work because you couldn’t wait, or didn’t want to wait, and don’t allow me to find out myself that you’re not going because you’re not actually here.  It’s your schedule, all I’m asking is that you tell me.  I don’t think that’s hard.  Or unfair to ask of you.  So don’t make me feel bad, or it’s somehow my fault every day.

And moving right along to the next thought.  Fun, huh?  Walking the dark tunnels of my mind… Anyway.  Let’s see… Ah! So, living at home is getting on my nerves.  Which, is not to say that I don’t appreciate what my parents have done for me.  I’m not sure what I would have done had they not been around or been willing to allow me to live here for as long as I have.  But… I’m over it.  I’m ready to get back out on my own.  It’s like what a friend told me about sex, and anyone who knows will agree with me – you’re okay with not having it if you never had before, because you don’t know what you’re missing.  But if you have… Yeah.  It sucks not having it.  Living on your own is much the same way.  I probably wouldn’t care so much had I not been on my own for a few years before coming home.  But, I had.  And so now I’m ready to get back out there again.  There’s just a small problem preventing that.  Money (As it seems to be with most things, right?).  With my current expenses, I can’t actually make the move to go on my own.

I’m getting there – and hopefully I’ll either have a raise in the next couple months, or I’ll be looking for a job.  Because, as I said – very appreciative.  But, over it.  And my mother keeps telling me that I should be saving money.  For what, exactly?  I understand the concept of saving money, but saving money to move out on my own becomes a ticking time bomb with my current finances.  I’m going to run out eventually, and so it doesn’t make any sense to save it for that purpose.  It won’t work, and I’m not going to do it.  So stop mentioning it.

So, after all that fun!  There’s one last thing.  Just one, and if you’ve stuck around this long – let me both apologize to you and thank you.  So, these thoughts involve writing.  I enjoy doing it, and so when I ask for feedback, it’s not only so I can share the writing with others.  It’s so I can improve on it.  I can read over it, and pick out stuff, but I absolutely won’t get everything because well… I wrote it.  And so if I ask you to read it, it’s not for your amusement – though I honestly hope you do enjoy it, and it’s not for my amusement, it’s so I can improve.  Some people as of late have been good about this, but others are – and have always been – abysmal about this.  This annoys me to no end.  I try not to bother people about it, but I will occasionally ask.  And if someone says, ‘Well, I haven’t had any time.’ it upsets me even more, because you’ve been talking.  To me.  About having read other things, or doing other things, and you can’t take 10 – 15 minutes to do a favor for me?  I understand having things to do.  But honestly, did you really need to watch those YouTube videos?  Or read – and then try to show me – those Internet memes?  Yeah…  So don’t tell me that you didn’t have time.

Yay!  There ya go.  Let me say, I feel much better having finally gotten all that out.  And again, I apologize for using this space for stuff like this, especially when some people are subscribed to it.  But, hopefully I’ll be returning you to your previously scheduled… watching a website that never updates! (Kidding, hopefully I get more stuff going.  Back in the writing vein and less in the bitching vein.  I really hate doing it.  But, sometimes gotta get it out in the ‘open’.  In my… dark corner of the Internet.)

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